


live for me (phan oneshot)

by LOUVREPHIL



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 15:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13010364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOUVREPHIL/pseuds/LOUVREPHIL
Summary: summary: dan wants to die but phil just wants him alive. or the one in which dan's grieving his younger brother's death and can't deal with it anymore.word count: 1.6k (this was supposed to be 1k why do i do these things)warnings: mentions of suicide, death, suicidal thoughts, mentions of depression, just an overall sad ficextra notes: i recommend listening to how could i have known by keaton henson while reading this. just dO IT. (don't if u don't wanna cry)





	live for me (phan oneshot)

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi! this is the first time i've ever written/copied my works into ao3,, so if i did anything "wrong" please do! whoops.
> 
> enjoy?
> 
> \- peej (they/them)  
> tumblr: louvrephll.tumblr.com  
> wattpad: @LOUVREPHIL

out of the many things dan was tired of hearing of, tired of putting up with, what phil said was the last straw.

_"it's not your fault this happened."_

he was completely exhausted, shoulders carrying the weight of the world with a pinch of the universe. so when the universe decided to be a bitch and give dan this, all he could muster was a weak grin and self pitying laugh. "phil, it is!" dan rolled his eyes, but not out of disrespect. "don't you get it? it's  _my_  fault i have depression! it's  _my_  fault i can't deal with it! it's  _my_  fault adrian killed himself!"

"dan, please," phil sounded completely helpless and equally as desperate, "ade had problems of his own and you couldn't have sto–"

"don't call him ade!" dan snapped. he was took back by his own voice, the shock coming in tiny waves surrounded by sea foam full regret.

phil shook his head, "i'm sorry."

"no,  _i'm_  sorry," tears prickled dan's eyes, threatening to spill, "i'm sorry ade died and i'm sorry i can't deal with this and i'm sorry my depression came back and i'm sorry for being in love with you and i'm sorry for wanting to die and i'm sorry we met that fateful day in october and i'm sorry i couldn't save adrian and i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!"

dan broke down.

after a year of holding his labyrinthine mind in, he's finally spilt his thoughts like ink on paper. finally, just finally, phil now knows of dan's true suffering and worst moments. dan sobbed, the tears spilling and falling to the ground. he couldn't deal with this anymore. he wanted to die.

he  _needed_  to die.

"i'm sorry."

the words were barely audible, just quiet enough for phil to make out and just tender enough for phil's heart to shatter. phil slowly kneeled down by dan's side to give him a hug. this was something they both needed, but phil more than dan.

phil hated seeing dan like this; a mess and in ruins. he wanted to see dan smile for the first time in a year, not see his rimmed red eyes that spilled tears in the darkness of the night. he wanted to see dan happy and genuine, not see a fake assortment of happiness crafted into a mask he wore when around others. he wanted to build dan back up, not break him down. he wanted the dan he knew one and a half years ago.

he wanted  _his_  dan back.

phil held his lover close, mumbling words of validation and saying, "it'll be okay." even if nothing felt okay right now, phil knew one day they would be. he just needed dan to see that.

"i wanna d– die, phil. i just wanna see adrian again," dan sobbed.

"dan," phil breathed out, "you can't die. i need you to stay strong. it's what adrian would have wanted. adrian would have wanted you to stay alive."

in a moment of clarity, dan said, "how would he want me alive if he didn't even want to be alive himself?"

it was a rhetorical question, but of course phil had to answer. it was one of the many things dan loved about him, but right now, he didn't love anyone. he couldn't bear the thought of putting his love and trust in someone if they'd just leave him, one way or another.

"i don't know, dan. i don't know." phil mumbled sadly. he ran his fingers through dan's hair, a comforting gesture.

silence fell in all its glory, the only noises being dan's sobs and phil's hushing. phil's mind fell silent while dan's did the exact opposite: run wild.

irrationalities desperately pushed their way into dan's head, telling dan of all the ways he could've saved adrian and how he could possibly see him again. and if dan had a chance to see adrian again, whether it be minuscule or vast, he'd take it.

he was tired of living.

"phil," dan croaked, "i need water. i'm going to get water."

"okay, i'll b– be in here." phil replied, sniffling. he hadn't realized he'd been crying as well; maybe adrian's death effected everyone around him.

dan stumbled into the kitchen, his head swimming and heart racing.  _was he really going to do this? after a year of suffering, was he really going to end it all?_

dan shook his head as if he could shake the thoughts off that were clinging onto him. he let out a shaky breath, laughing right after.

"so this really is the end, then." dan mumbled, "i'll see you soon, buddy. i'll see you soon."

everything after that was a blur. all dan remembers was downing at least 30 pills with vodka, the sour taste mixing with the pills' chemical flavors. but in the end, it wouldn't matter. the taste of anything wouldn't matter in a few hours.

he walked (read: tripped) his way back to phil's room, where he saw phil crying. "p– phil?"

phil locked eyes with dan, "bear, i don't want you seeing me like this. please, j– just..." phil sobbed, "i just want you to be happy."

"i am," to prove his point, he sat next to phil, wrapping his arm around his waist. "i'm happy when i'm with you. i'm endlessly happy and forever grateful that you're my boyfriend. i'm even happier that we're in love and we'll be– you'll be okay. i'm happy that i'm in love with you."

phil sobbed even harder, tears streaming down his face and life slowly slipping away. but what he didn't know, what he wished he had known, was dan's life was rapidly falling.

"i love you so mu– much, bear." phil sniffled, "sleep?"

"you go on first, i need to do something." dan excused himself, kissing the top of phil's head. he let out a shaky breath, "i'll be back in a few minutes."

phil didn't answer, but let out a hum to show dan he heard him. dan slowly closed the door, listening to the lock to click. when it did, he let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding.

"so this is what it feels like," he thought aloud. "i'm sorry, phil."

dan went to his room to grab a pen, and the journal he'd been keeping for the past ten years. surprisingly, the journal hadn't frayed. hopefully after this, it stays in tact.

he sat down, the chair's creak being the loudest noise he's heard in the past two minutes. that noise almost knocked some sense into him.  _would he really just leave phil? and his family? was death the only option?_

but by then, a burning sensation spreading across his stomach reminded him why he was doing this. with shaky hands, he began to write.

phil,

if you've found this, i'm already gone. i'm assuming you got curious and picked this up off my bed, so here you are now. reading this letter, and the only thing that holds captive the last gasps of my life.

first off, i'm sorry. i'm so sorry it had to end this way, but i can't stand this. i can't stand living with the fact that i caused ade's death, or the fact that he's actually gone. but it's okay, because in a few hours (maybe less) i'll be seeing his stupid little face and i'll be watching over you.

it's funny that i've never believed in god, but now that the pills are doing their job, i'm beginning to believe now. i don't know who runs upstairs or downstairs, but i hope they're damn nice and taking good care of my brother.

maybe if we reincarnated together we could meet again, and actually have a normal life. that'd be nice. but no matter what, i'll always be tied to you. you'll always be close to my heart, and i hope i'm close to yours as well.

so philip michael lester, don't forget me. don't forget how much of a loser i was, or the amount of love i had for you, or the dumb things i did that pissed you off. i hope you cherish me, but please, don't die just because i'm gone. if you die, everyone wouldn't be able to go on.

the universe would tremble, and the fates would cry. they'd cry because of how a carefully crafted life they created just went to waste. don't let amazingphil, hell, don't let phil die just because i do.

i love you. i love you so damn much words can't explain and i wish i had more time, but my hands are getting so shaky i can't even read my own writing. or maybe that's just the tears. either way, i love you more than the universe loved us together.

love,   
bear

dan let out a shaky breath, his hands trembling and heart racing. for the last time, he signed out with :Dan on the bottom of his journal.  _forever,_ he thought _, forever i'll be gone._

bringing the journal with him, he stood up and walked back to phil's room. he opened the door, making sure not to wake phil, and closed it quietly.

he set down the journal with the letter page open, resulting in a thump quieter than the noise of a pen drop. phil's snores made him smile fondly, but it hurt his heart to know he'd be leaving phil for good.  _i don't have to do this,_  the rational side of him thought.  _but i have to see adrian again_ , he countered.

so for the last time, he laid beside phil and ran his fingers through the black locks. slowly, with the last gasps of his lifespan, he kissed phil's forehead.

"i love you, lion."


End file.
